When The Paint Fades To Black

I found Gavin's journal.

It is worse than I feared, much worse.  I have not much time, I only meant to jot down a word or two in case something happens and I do not return....in case I cannot bring her, or us both, back.  I may have already waited too long to go, for the paint fades even as I write, but I thought that the differences in the dreams....Gavin's and mine....might mean that I would do harm to her, or worse.  I could not live with that.  If it did not kill me outright, then I should take upon myself the duty that fate neglected and by my own hand provide justice for her.  So I hesitated, not knowing what it meant, indecision my tether. 

But...no matter what chance I think I shall be taking....I cannot let her go alone.  I owe her that, given the same as my vow to her.  I think, perhaps that was a reason for her mother's help to me, when we stood before the fire together.  Unspoken, her mother was nevertheless asking me to be there for her daughter, be what she could not be.  I do not remember answering her, but I survived the experience.  That must have been answer enough.  I told her, I never break a promise. 

I have also told her, more than once, I am but a man.  I think she expects me to be the answer to some long sought ideal of hers, but I am bound to disappoint her in that.  I am no hero, no god with feet of clay. God knows how many of man's weaknesses I actually possess and I can be no one's salvation.  I shall not even try, for that would of a surety doom us both to hell.   I cannot save her, hell....I cannot even save myself.

For posterity, I want it known that even if the paint fades to black, once..... I did love her.