What does SHE want?

SHIP'S LOG
The schooner Anna-Maria, Port o' call - London
Somewhere upon the Atlantic Ocean

Honeymoon Trip, Day Two
August, 1888

 

I just don’t know what she wants.

 

It seems to change as often as the direction of the sea’s breeze.

 

I thought…. so much of our love had been shared with me acting like some sort of savage beast, blindly groping at her, wild to feel her, taste her, smother her with my desires and needs.

I thought...for once I would go slow, pay particular attention to what she needed, explore every nook and cranny of her body while listening to the sound of how she was breathing, so I would know what she liked.  You do not always have to say those things aloud, in fact it can be more exciting to discover them quite without the benefit of words altogether.

I thought….I would show her how much I loved her by taking the time to be deliberate, unhurried, to worship her body with my hands and. . . other things . . . to show her my love.

I thought I might please her, for once, and give her the ultimate gift.

 

She would have none of it. 

 

I have never bedded a woman like her, never been in love with such a creature.

I am so…….I do not even know what I am. 

I know that I cannot be angry at her, I threw away my anger, and now it sits at the bottom of the sea, unreachable.  I am not sorry for that, I would not be angry with her anyway.  I do not know what to be, I would be what she wants me to be, if only I knew what that was. 

 

I am….frustrated, of a certainly.  Confused, most definitely. 

And more in love with her than I have ever been with any woman in my life.

I wanted this to be such a time of sharing, of open communication for us, just she and I, with no one else.

I thought…..all my life I have thought….that love was enough and that everything else could be amended and rectified if only there was love.

There is love between us, of that there is no doubt. 

It grows with each day that I spend with her.  For me, it does.

I want to please her, I want to lay the world at her feet, I want to adore her.

I want to be her anchor every night, I want her to need me, I want to be there for her.

I know what I want.

And I know what I won’t.  I won’t give up.  I won’t give in.

I will try harder.  I will hold on as long as I have to, but I pray I find the answer soon, because this way….this is no way.

I know that I want her.

 

I just don’t know what she wants.