All Or Nothing

I want it all.

Selfish bastard that I am.
Yes, bastard.
Its almost comical, she has no idea when she calls me bastard, that I am.
She has no knowledge of how that word rips into me, twists my gut within me. I am born of an act of passion, a safisfying of a carnal urge, the product of man's evil indulgence, and void of love. I am so hideous, such a blasephemy that my own mother abandoned me and could not bare to look upon my face. I carry her shame, the shame of the man I never knew as father, and the shame of that evil that cannot be controlled within us all.
I am bastard.
I speak to no one of this.
There are things you can speak to no one of, no one, save one.
God.
To Him, I do not have to speak of things buried so deep within my soul, He already knows. And forgives me for them. Incredibly.
Perhaps that is why I am down on my knees to Him tonight.

She sleeps peacefully, I write while sitting on the floor beside the bed, where I can easily and quickly take her hand, assure her of her rest, quiet her dreams at a moment's touch, if she needs.
If she needs. Thats it, isn't it?
We have a need for each other, that has grown to be evident, and culminated in the events that occurred between us tonight...and....those that did not. We live with the savage urges of the animals we are, those that rise with our passions to take us over, control our actions, erupt in our midst until that is all we know, that is what drives us, that is what gives us pleasure and soothes our body's needs.
We had that.
But there is more.

I want it all.

I know she did not understand, I read it in her eyes, she said as much, and at that moment, I began to believe perhaps she was right.
I am a crazy bastard.
I had her there within my hand.
I had her, but did I have her heart?
Just the night before, I had asked her if she loved me.
She gave me back words, a whole slew of them, layer upon layer of words, explaining, exclaiming, all the reasons, words and more words.
I only wanted one.
One of two, and she could say neither.

I want it all.

The beast within me moves, growls, threatens. The snakes move to his command, he controls their power, his goal to control everything.
He has hunted, the prey is ensnared and now he wants to finish the kill, he wants that satisfaction.
He is close, and he can win. I alone cannot hold him at bay.
We are both bastards.
But I am the greater evil.
He knows nothing, only the urges that drive him, that he must satisfy, but he neither knows nor cares why.
I know that there is more, there is higher, there is the two in one under God. To let the beast have his way without that is blasphemy.
That is why I pray.

I am nothing without my God, it is only through Him that all things are possible. I live the code of the Black Knight, to honor above all.
I have taken vows, and not only to her.
There must be a way to honor them all and I must find it.
That is what God requires.
To love and honor, until death do us part.
They both matter.
To Love with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul and with all your strength.
It all matters.

I control the beast, but not for long, and not by standing alone.
She pushed me to the edge and I hesitated and she did not understand.
If I lose her because of it, then the vows do not really matter.
The beast rages, licks his lips and waits.
He is here, he waits while his power grows.
He has waited for centuries to return, what is a few more days to him?

May God have mercy on my soul.
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There are no lies in memories, only the Truth of what was - and the foundation of what will Be.