Settling Into Life

Things have settled into routine.
And for once in my life, I feel completely at ease with it.
My life.   It has been a very long time since I have felt such....peace.
Perhaps, never.

Its partly to do with Gabriella, of course.
We hardly see each other in the days it seems, but as the night brings us together again, from whatever tasks the day has set for us to do, separate and apart from one another....as we return to the nest, like wayward sparrows flitting about in the light, being drawn back to the safety of home in the dark....I come back to her. I come back....home. She is that for me now, as she was before, as she always has been, since the times our souls crossed the burning sands for one another. We stand alone and apart for but a few breaths, we fall together to rest and restore each other's strengths in the after glow of our intimacy, our joining each night, of so much more than body.

But I am feeling a rhythm in the place that we have come together to call our home, an acceptance, a rightness of step, more than I have felt in any other place since Ashford. I have a grand idea for the upcoming carneval to be held in the marketplace. The Guardians are sponsoring it, for the benefit and revitalization of the shops and businesses in the area. I shared it with Kruger, he liked the thought, and now, I am busy making the dream become reality. That occupies all my waking thoughts, and my hands and feet as well, as I work on the bare bones of the drawings, and making the inquiries for various sources of building material that will be needed. I cannot help but be excited about this, not only for the benefit of the shopkeepers in the marketplace, but for the young of this city....well....not necessarily chronologically, I should say, all those young at heart. Everyone can be involved in this! But the children especially...I cannot wait to see Zander and Zoee on the day of the big reveal....share their excitement, watch them bubble over with joy!  Soon, now, I will present my plans to Gabriella, tell her of the idea, and ask for her help. I think she will agree, I think this will appeal to the artistic nature of her, and perhaps give her a way to heal, even more, from the wounds that our lives have inflicted, one upon the other.


I am ready to get on with the business of living now.
Correction. We.
She is with me. I am no longer The One, the Apostate.
I need to find her. I need to tell her.
We have things to do!

A New Role, That of Guardian

I have joined the Guardians.
With mixed emotions, I might add.
From the day Benito Sabatier took me off the streets when I was a homeless orphan of 12 years and raised me as his own, alongside the son of his own coupling, Raul, in the deep of my heart's core I only wanted to be a good man, live an uncomplicated life, love the woman who would be my mate, raise our children and find peace among the simple people of the plains of Spain.

My life has never been like that.

Not that I have regretted what it has been like, far from it, for the accepting of responsibility and duty has taken me to lands I would never have seen, afforded me the company of people I would never have known, bestowed upon me skills and honors I would never have deserved.
It just was not what I expected.

I have had the jaunts and pleasures of youthful discovery, as Raul and I journeyed to the desert lands of the ancient east, and those cut short by his tragic and untimely death there, with me returning to his father to tell of it, and accept the sonship that fell to me, heir apparent....the Marquis of Pantera, a.k.a., the Black Panther.

I have had the priviledge of education and subsequent schooling in the art of diplomacy, serving as First Knight and Diplomatic Liason to the Duke of Bradenford himself, becoming engaged as such to the Lands of Ashford and subsequently thereby being awarded a dukedom of my own after many years of service to Her Grace, Queen Keira, as the Duke of Benvenito, the title and ruling presence now passed on my son, Benjamen.

I have had my share of sorrow in the outliving of two wives, and the children I bore with them, with the exception of Benjamen, the divorce of a third, the rejection of my biological mother who never shared the knowledge of my biological father with me, and the passing of an adopted brother and father, now, in the demise of Raul and Benito.

And my attempts to return to Spain and my underlying dream of living that simple life of a farmer and horse breeder has been interrupted once again by the responsibility and duty I felt initially to a vow of honor made to a woman who is my wife, but has become, as I have and continue to discover, so much more than a bearer of my surname, the duty there also evolving into something greater, something higher, that calls to my soul and becomes that which I must answer.

And so I find myself in a foreign land once again, on terms that are not of my choosing, but those I choose to accept, in order to remain true to the Code of the Black Knight that I pledged to so long ago, sometimes as it seems so many lifetimes ago.

Yet there is more than honor that is my promise.
Along the way my faith has been strengthened, snuffed out, supported, tested and bested, and yet.....yet....remains at the core of what I am....of who....I am...reminding me that I am called, most of all, to be One with God, that I do not and never have stood alone, and that there is one pursuit above all that is worth putting aside every dream I ever had, to lay down my life in protection of, to strive in an attempt to become and receive, it is that thing which He is....was....and always shall be.....

Love.



All things are connected
Nothing stands alone
The Twins are Two together
The Six are Three and Three
Even the One has his Faith - and one and one is two.

The Trinity is the lesson
Past -- present -- future.
Give up your all for the Rose.
Truth -- perfection -- eternity.
Its beauty is in innocence
Hence the children had to die.
The Poet of the Soul writes
No stone is left untouched
The falcon cannot hear the falconer
Until spiritus mundi awakens in us all
The link between anima to corpi
Set in the Eye of Hades.
The past begets the future and only time regrets.
Chaos the result
Until the rose blooms on the Cross.

Now the fate of The Six
Matching courage against the odds
Walk to the edge and step again
Being shown the future
Or being taught to fly.
What can we do?
What we can.
Love.
Have compassion.
Without judgement.
Resist hurt and hate.
Respond -- vibrate -- feed back -- resonate.

Conspire.
Breathe together - the Six as One.

~ Sir Antonio Sabatier ~
Member, the Guardians of Rhydin
The Duke of Benvenito, Land of Ashford (TLoA)
First Knight and Diplomatic Liason to the Duke of Bradenford, resigned (Therazul)
The Marquis of Pantera, a.k.a., The Black Panther

The One of the Six....the Apostate
_________________
There are no lies in memories, only the Truth of what was - and the foundation of what will Be.

All Or Nothing

I want it all.

Selfish bastard that I am.
Yes, bastard.
Its almost comical, she has no idea when she calls me bastard, that I am.
She has no knowledge of how that word rips into me, twists my gut within me. I am born of an act of passion, a safisfying of a carnal urge, the product of man's evil indulgence, and void of love. I am so hideous, such a blasephemy that my own mother abandoned me and could not bare to look upon my face. I carry her shame, the shame of the man I never knew as father, and the shame of that evil that cannot be controlled within us all.
I am bastard.
I speak to no one of this.
There are things you can speak to no one of, no one, save one.
God.
To Him, I do not have to speak of things buried so deep within my soul, He already knows. And forgives me for them. Incredibly.
Perhaps that is why I am down on my knees to Him tonight.

She sleeps peacefully, I write while sitting on the floor beside the bed, where I can easily and quickly take her hand, assure her of her rest, quiet her dreams at a moment's touch, if she needs.
If she needs. Thats it, isn't it?
We have a need for each other, that has grown to be evident, and culminated in the events that occurred between us tonight...and....those that did not. We live with the savage urges of the animals we are, those that rise with our passions to take us over, control our actions, erupt in our midst until that is all we know, that is what drives us, that is what gives us pleasure and soothes our body's needs.
We had that.
But there is more.

I want it all.

I know she did not understand, I read it in her eyes, she said as much, and at that moment, I began to believe perhaps she was right.
I am a crazy bastard.
I had her there within my hand.
I had her, but did I have her heart?
Just the night before, I had asked her if she loved me.
She gave me back words, a whole slew of them, layer upon layer of words, explaining, exclaiming, all the reasons, words and more words.
I only wanted one.
One of two, and she could say neither.

I want it all.

The beast within me moves, growls, threatens. The snakes move to his command, he controls their power, his goal to control everything.
He has hunted, the prey is ensnared and now he wants to finish the kill, he wants that satisfaction.
He is close, and he can win. I alone cannot hold him at bay.
We are both bastards.
But I am the greater evil.
He knows nothing, only the urges that drive him, that he must satisfy, but he neither knows nor cares why.
I know that there is more, there is higher, there is the two in one under God. To let the beast have his way without that is blasphemy.
That is why I pray.

I am nothing without my God, it is only through Him that all things are possible. I live the code of the Black Knight, to honor above all.
I have taken vows, and not only to her.
There must be a way to honor them all and I must find it.
That is what God requires.
To love and honor, until death do us part.
They both matter.
To Love with all your heart, with all your mind, with all your soul and with all your strength.
It all matters.

I control the beast, but not for long, and not by standing alone.
She pushed me to the edge and I hesitated and she did not understand.
If I lose her because of it, then the vows do not really matter.
The beast rages, licks his lips and waits.
He is here, he waits while his power grows.
He has waited for centuries to return, what is a few more days to him?

May God have mercy on my soul.
_________________
There are no lies in memories, only the Truth of what was - and the foundation of what will Be.