The Writings of a Paladin: The Waiting Game (2/25/05)

I have never felt so powerless as I do at this moment.




And...I find it does not sit well with me.



There is an evil afoot in these lands that no one seems able to combat, no one seems able to halt, and it appears to be growing.

We are living under its shadow, both the royalty and common folk alike, and the strain is telling on us all.



Last night it made its presence known again, its wrath and power felt, as it created some disturbance in the tavern room of the Fatted Calf, breaking apart a heavy table, smashing a window -- and marking yet another Believer, the silent and stoic knight, Baalengarr -- a number 6 burned into his palm. The connection to those of us previously marked cannot be denied, for the two of us present last night, Elspeth Gray and myself, felt again the branding in our own palms, even as Baalengarr was receiving his, same as if ours was happening yet anew. I would dare say, for the others, wherever they were, it was the same.

Of course, speculation as to what it all means is running rampant throughout the town here - some of the marked making pains to hide their brands, but to no avail, for almost as soon as a thing occurs, people know. Perhaps it is an Evil Deity, the name tossed around last night was Erythnul, I believe, or such a god's messenger set loose from the gates of Hell itself, something akin to the winged creature that Nicodemis, father of Adel Winterset, one of the marked, illustrated last night, one of which our Duchess Lady Keira believes she had seen some time ago, late one night in flight over her manor house. And whether we six are to be taken or the only ones left, as it was recently pointed out to me, is another unknown, but it would scarely seem to make much difference at this point -- the tension is palpable, the stares and inuendo's real, the only thing missing is when -- or if -- there will be an end to these disquieting times.

And all of us are at risk.



I am at a loss for direction. It goes so against my grain to sit and wait for whatever it is the winds of Fate, or should I say, the winds of this evil, will blow our way, for I am a man of action, of one sort or another -- admittedly not considered a virtue to some, but a fault -- and that I fully acknowledge. True it was that in younger years perhaps I was too quick to point the blade -- but that has given way to my usual course of first action always now, which is to talk a thing out and hopefully reach some conclusion through words, resorting only to force as a last tactic. By the gods, though, I would rather rush to judgement and make a mistake, than wait for the end to be taken out of my hands.



There are people here I care about, and deeply so. Some are newly discovered family - a sister I never knew I had, a cousin, or actually two, as well, and soon to be more. Some are in my life by means other than mere happenstance of birth - some pleasant acquaintances, some much more than that - all enrich my life and add meaning to it. I have tried to avoid that for so long that I now find it to be about as disquieting as the evil thing itself, for long it has been since I felt myself vulnerable in matters of the heart. And while I would not change it in the least, I have to say that it does serve to add to the dread I feel - would those I care about be in mortal danger now because of me? The thought brings forth regret and a reason for pause. I remember now why it was that I discarded my faith - there were people in my past whom I cared about so very much, and whom I found myself without ability to protect, as greater powers swept them from my life....Maria, my first wife, her fragile purity shattered by this unforgiving world, taking with her my child, the only child I will ever have, as I stood by and helplessly watched....the girl-child would be something close to Elspeth's age now, if she had lived - Victoria, my next, whom I truly loved in a strange sort of fascinatingly self-destructive way, whose love for me in return proved to be something else entirely...and along the years, those men who put their lives in my hands in trust as I led them into battle - some whose trust I was able to uphold - but more often than not were those whose trust I failed. They did not survive, yet still did I - call it a guilty conscience, then, all of it, as a reason I put aside my believe in God. Yet what else is there, when the control of events is taken out of one's hands? That is a question to which I have yet to find the answer....and so believing is what I must do....believing in that which is yet unseen....but which I nevertheless can feel.



There is another thing I can yet do. The few to whom I have shared this idea would seek to dissuade me from it...yet it is what I do...and always have. If it stops the raging evil, then it is the right thing to do. At any rate, I must attempt it, for the very sake of those I care about.



There is really nothing else to be written -- it would seem my course is set.

And with the help of God, I will see this thing through to its end, one way or the other.



~~~ Sir Antonio Sabatier ~~~

First Knight and Diplomatic Liason

to the Duke of Bradenford

The Marquis of Pantera, a.k.a., The Black Panther



"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within." ~~ Emerson